Monday, December 30, 2013

My Top 10 Worst Movies of 2013

While 2013 has been a fantastic year for films, before I talk about my favorites of the year I would like to talk about some of the worst that this year had to offer.  Also, a small note before you rage about some of my choices, I didn't just pick movies that were technically the worst, with films like Scary Movie 5 and Hansel and Gretel Witch Hunters, you knew what you were getting into, there are  movies on here that I just deemed as wrong in principle, and extremely disappointing (there are the flat out awful movies too, and some that are both).  Here are my top 10 worst movies of 2013.

Before I list my top 10 I would like to give some (dis)honorable mentions for the list, sorry to these 5 films, you just weren't quite bad enough to make the list. (It was a stacked year for awful movies)

The Great Gatsby - Despite the fact that this movie completely missed the themes of the book, and got the era wrong in so many of the stylistic choices, there is just one problem, it could actually be entertaining if it weren't an adaption of the Great Gatsby (plus the acting was decent). Congrats, Gatsby, you missed out because if it weren't for you tarnishing an American classic you might have actually been good.

The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug - Hate on me all you want, but I hate this movie for the exact same reason I hated Gatsby, sadly it has to miss out on my list for the exact same reasons as Gatsby (could have been entertaining, good visuals, and well-acted), this is another that I hate the merit of it (And what it represents) more than I hate the film as a whole.

Grown Ups 2 - If it weren't for the fact that it was obvious this movie would be horrible (due to it being a modern age Sandler film (Who no longer has that Wedding Singer charm) and a sequel to a previously atrocious movie) it would have made the list, but if you went into Grown Ups 2 you knew what you were getting into so it's kind of like, "Fooled me once, shame on you, fooled me twice, shame on me."

Elysium - The more I think about this film, the more I hate it (and no im not against better healthcare or immigration reform, I actually support both of those, and my opinion on this movie would remain the same no matter what I thought), its a movie that tries to hard to beat you over the head with its message, and the main problem with that is it does a terrible job arguing them. It's riddled with plotholes, Jodie Foster was terrible, the script was cheesy and badly written, Shartlo Copely was literally one of the only things good about this movie and he's the reason this avoided my top 10 list.

Planes - Similar to The Hobbit 2 and Gatsby, I hate this movie for what it represents. Planes was a direct-to-video sequel that was then put to the big screen because Disney saw a chance to market more toys, that was it. The movie wasn't good anyways, but it wasn't bad enough to make the top 10, only get a mention for how much of a blatant cash grab it was.

Number 10
Pain and Gain is not only atrocious on a level of merit, but it honestly isn't good on any other level either. My main problem with this movie though was how Bay took a story and paid absolutely no respect whatsoever to the people murdered, he glorifies the murderers (of something that happened modern day) and tries to make their actions appear funny (they're not, the humor is off). While there are directors who can take real, unlikable people and make good movies about them (Michael Scorsese for instance), Michael Bay is definitely not one of them.

Number 9
I'm one of those people who are okay with Oscar bait, however if you are going to make Oscar bait it better be good. The Butler reminds me exactly of Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close, in that it's overly sentimental, the performances are way overacted, and the story is honestly not that good. When Oprah Winfrey missed the Globe nomination I literally rejoiced inside, because movies like this (those that take an overly sentimental story they know the older academy loves and jam-pack it full of oscar contender, a movie not made for the sake of making a good movie but one made for the sake of winning Oscars) are wrong on principle.

Number 8
What do you get when you take Men in Black, give it an charismatic league, a half-assed story, an unfunny script, and plot line that makes no sense at all? You get RIPD of course, the CGI is terrible, and Jeff Bridges doesn't even care about trying to save this roasting turd. I can't get myself to place this one much higher though simply because I went into this knowing it was most likely going to be terrible, unlike the next movie on this list.

Number 7
Congratulations Zach Snyder, you have done it again. He officially (for the third time) made a trailer to fool me into thinking that the movie was actually going to be good, with a budget big enough to ensure it can be good, and a producer who should have been able to keep the story in check, boy was I fooled. The entire movie is a borefest, the majority of the character building lines are shown in the trailer, and the rest is filled with filler action that you just can't get yourself to care about, not to mention it's a comic book film that is humorless and devoid of any emotion. 

Number 6 
Another movie that I have just recently seen, and man was it awful. The acting was completely wooden, literally Google Translate spoke with more character than ANY actor in this movie, the plot was hard to follow for the mere fact that the actors barely even made it understandable what they were saying because again it was completely bland and monotone. And to top it all off, it took a real Japanese story and turned it into a big budget fantasy movie in which nothing happens, and nobody cares.

Number 5
With a talented cast, director, and an absurdly high budget, you would think Gore Verbinski could have at least whipped something up on par with Dead Man's Chest, but no it's tonally muddled, unfunny, horribly acted in most parts, overly long, and Johnny Depp completely desrtoys an iconic character. Johnny Depp literally plays weird characters so he can play weird characters, im not even going to say he played Tonto, because he doesn't, he plays some cruel mockery of Tonto.

Number 4
Now, I didn't like Drive but I did realize there were some well-done parts of it, but Only God Forgives is (ironically) unforgivable to the point I don't even know if God would forgive this piece of trash. The only redeeming quality of this movie are that the lights are pretty, that's it, period. It's overly pretentious, and symbolic for the sake of being symbolic, and the script might just have been one of the worst of the year.

Number 3
I thought the Twilight movies were bad, yet somehow the Host seems like a grade-B rip-off of Twilight, yes a rip-off of an already terrible movie. The romance, acting, and themes literally make you stupider, I am not joking my IQ level dropped when I saw this movie. The story is dread-awful, there is no suspense in the villains, and the "ending" was more pedofilic than the Jacob and Vampire Baby relationship from Breaking Dawn.

Number 2
It hurts my head even thinking about, remember how good Die Hard was? Remember how each of the sequels (while a few were mediocre) actually managed to be entertaining too? John McClain is now dead, this wouldn't have even passed as a good action movie, not to even mention a Die Hard movie. I came in hoping to see McClain in a return to form action movie, I came out hoping to never have to see McClain in another movie again.

Number 1
For those of you who knew about this movie you were probably wondering where it was, yes I did in fact save it for number 1 (no matter how predictable that is) because this deserves it. Everything about this movie is wrong, everything, there is literally NOTHING redeemable about it, it's not even so bad it's good, it's just flat out atrocious. The way they blacklisted all the actors to be in the movie was despicable, and the fact that the director literally said he had no respect for his audience makes this movie most definitely deserve the number 1 spot.


  1. The Great Spazzy (The Great Gatsby)
    The Hobbit: The Desolation of Your Wallet (The Hobbit 2)
    Grow Up Adam Sandler 2 (Grown Ups 2)
    Mental Asylum (Elysium)
    Pains (Planes)
    Pain and Run Away (Pain and Gain)
    Lee Daniels' The Butter (The Butler)
    R.I.P.D. Off (R.I.P.D.)
    Man of Steel Your Money (Man of Steel)
    Bored-of-Seven Ronin (47 Ronin)
    The Lone Box Office Ranger (The Lone Ranger)
    God Won't Forgive (Only God Forgives)
    The Roast of Cinema (The Host)
    A Good Day to Kill This Franchise Hard (Die Hard)
    Crapload 43 (Movie 43)

  2. after earth anyone? I thought it was far worse than pain and gain...